It's called a Break Up (because it's broken)

Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru, is the author of How to Get Over a Breakup, an instantly available online webBook, downloadable ebook, and website designed to help you TRULY understand and heal from a broken heart, and How to STOP Your Breakup, an instantly available webBook, downloadable ebook, and website designed to help you STOP or reverse your breakup and get your ex back. Both are available on this site and are free when you join our community.

"By Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (It's simply amazing how many 'break up experts' just 'popped up' overnight in the recent years, isn't it?!)

He just broke up with you. So really, he's not that great a guy, unless you are just an awful person, which we don't think you are. Or you broke it off with him, so he can't be that great or you would still be together. It's the paradox of a break-up. There seems to be a need to say nice things about the person who just broke your heart, and we get that. You don't want to seem bitter, and you don't want to tell the world that the guy you gave your heart and a large part of your time to is an asshole. Your pride doesn't need the additional blow of having your friends and family think you're a loser for being with him in the first place. It's okay if you don't want to be seem petty or knock down someone you once cared about.

HOWEVER, we must warn you that there are two conditions that afflict many refugees of recent breakups. First is what we call Revisionist Romance Disorder. RRD, like an acute case of 20/20 Blindsight, creates an inability to see the past as it actually happened. Additionally, those who suffer from Revisionist Romance Disorder cannot control the need to rewrite their relationship to match the feelings they want to have about it. With RRD, an incessant cheater becomes "a really good guy" who was just scared of getting too close. The drunk that forgot your birthday becomes "the one that got away." It's an easily identifiable disease, but like all afflictions, the first step to overcoming it is to admit you have a problem. And your problem is that if you truly want to move on, you need to stop rewriting the past and see your relationship for what it was: the good and the bad, the ups and downs, the baffling, the maddening, and the ridiculous."

POST: Hey all, I don't know if you remember me from my earlier posts about me and my now exboyfriend. He kept going back and forth from knowing what he wanted, to not, and my feelings couldn't take the constant back and forth. I broke up with him a week ago today and I read the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy" which put a lot of things about the break up in perspective, like making sure you look at the relationship for what it was, instead of how you wanted it to be, or how great it was in the beginning. But honestly, I feel like I'm not completely 100% over it, but almost. I really truly feel like I'm already moving on, is that normal? We dated for 5 months with one 2 week break, but I honestly feel like I'm already done with the hard part of it. Most breakups have taken me several months to get over, why is this one different?

POST: May I kindly suggest that read of your own post, will give you an answer. viz..."You are almost over it....."I honestly feel that I amover the hard part"..." I am already moving on". These are all part of the reasons why you are so far advanced with this break up. The other reason is also with your own words, fron your own reading...."It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken', ....and very clearly....making sure that you look at the relationship for what it was, instead of how you wanted it to be, or how great it was in the beginning. Bluntly, but courtesously put, it never really was, so there is very little to hang on to; and also you have gained more experience and hopefully maturity since the last "break-up" and are able to wear theselife experiences with more aplomb..... Go and be happy, leave the past, the sun has set, never to rise again on those days."

Perhaps nothing is as painful as getting over your first love. It's not just any old break-up; this is the boy/girl who taught you what it means to fall in love. You thought you'd spend the rest of your lives together. You have a million and one inside jokes and memories that turn your heart to goo. Now that it's over, you're scared to death you'll never find anyone to ever replace them. Well, get over it! It's called a breakup 'cause it's broken!

1. Cut off all communication with your ex.
2. Realize that just because this relationship is over, it doesn't mean that you'll never find love again.
3. Cry on your best friends' shoulders - this is what they are there for.
4. You love your best friends, so be considerate of them.
5. In retrospect, you will probably only remember what you love about your ex, and your happiest memories together.
6. Use your breakup as an impetus to become the person you have always wanted to be.
7. Do not hook up with your ex.
8. Resist the urge to have a rebound.
9. Buy a break-up book (just one) that won't look too pathetic on your bookshelf. (We highly suggest How to Get Over a Break Up by the Break Up Guru herself!)
10. Cry yourself to sleep if you must, and load up your iPod with the saddest love songs you can think of.
11. Do anything you can to make yourself feel sexy and desirable.
12. Endure the pain and loneliness bravely...with time, the pain will subside although you sure as heck don't believe that right now.
13. Try to avoid friends who are very close with your ex, or common friends, they are bound to talk about them and bring you down inadvertently."

"The moral of that story is that I didn't deserve to be on the back burner and neither do you. The only way to realize that you are on the back burner is to love yourself and listen to what your instincts are telling you. It's called a break-up for a reason. I hate to say this, but you can't be friends with an ex. Let me rephrase that, you shouldn't be friends with an ex. I know that there are situations when you can be friends with an ex. I still talk to one of my ex-boyfriends. That happened only after a long time of not talking to him, and after both of us had moved on with our lives and to someone else. Usually if you break up with someone and you try to be friends, it doesn't work because one of you may still have deep feelings for the other. Or you're only keeping them around in case you can't find anyone else to fill their shoes. Either way, it's not a true, functioning relationship."

me and my bf split up and i want to get over him fast so if he does come back i can tell him where to go and not in the polite terms either.

A. it takes time if you really loved him.. sounds like you hate him and sounds like he did something really bad to hurt you. in which case you have to keep reminding yourself that he broke up with someone as amazing as you. and it's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.. either one or both of you have thought the relationship has lost it's value. you need to get busy doing other things, and find someone else to love - but When you are Ready.. because Don't have just a rebound guy to hurt. but just stay busy with things you used to love to do before you got busy with him, or even come up with new hobbies. good luck! you Will move on, and you Will find someone new too! - someone who will treat you how you deserve!"

Nick Lachey reportedly poked fun at his marriage break-up with Jessica Simpson when he was honored by Cosmopolitan magazine Tuesday but confessed that he was "afraid" of life as a single man. In his acceptance speech Nick told guests, "I'm really intrigued by this book. It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy' ... I wish I'd read that a few years ago ... It's a little ironic to receive the Fun and Fearless Award right now because, in some ways, I feel that, at this point in my life, I've never been more afraid.""

Y'all know I just can't resist the urge to share compliments I get. One of my loyal subjects was quite down-and-out over the loss of his sweetheart and he sought out advice from Her Highness quite a few times. Naturally I gave him my best pearls of wisdom, which include "it's called a 'break up' cause folks need a break," "absence makes the heart grow fonder, so get lost so she can get fond," and the ever popular "you need to get yourself together.""

From http://trustmeimablonde.blogspot.com/
2006_12_01_trustmeimablonde_archive.html

"1) BAD: Getting involved with a guy who wasn't good enough for me in the first place whom I allowed to break my heart not once, not twice but three f**king times in a matter of a year. After my recent romp, I can assure you that I definitely got him out of my system for good.

GOOD: To go back to using my "relationship rear view mirror". Not looking back so I don't get back with an ex. EVER. Period. It's called a break up because it is broken. F**king A."

From http://media.www.loyolamaroon.com/
media/storage/paper542/news/2008/01/12/
LifeTimes/Its-Called.A.BreakUp.Not.A.Breakdown-2628016.shtml

I just got out of a relationship with, who I thought, was the love of my life. I am totally heartbroken by this and I don't think that I can ever get over it. How can I move on without completely losing my mind?

A. I think Carole King said it best with, "Breaking up is hard to do." But what they really should've said was "Breaking up will make you want to pull your hair out, drink heavily, stop bathing, put 'Chasing Cars' on repeat on your iPod, stay up until 5 a.m. and sleep until 4 p.m., check your phone like it's your job in case he/she calls, become a professional Facebook stalker to see when that relationship status will shift over to single and inevitably, breaking up will make you want to die."

It is one of the worst things any single person can experience more than once. On college campuses, however, this awful experience seems to be a very regular occurrence. Relationships come and go in that short four-year time span, but break-ups go hand in hand with every relationship status change on Facebook.

I have always thought that college is a great place to meet your future spouse, because everyone's single, everyone's horny and everyone's drunk. But 18-22 isn't exactly the ideal age for a long-term commitment, so if you're in college, there is probably a break-up or two right around the corner."

"I'm all for a girl maintaining an identity of her own, and not being sucked into breathing his air 24/7... and I think it does work to be direct about what you want and expect - as long as you're nice about it, of course - because if you don't tell him, he will never know, and you only have yourself to blame for not asking for what you want. And for god's sake, don't settle! you'll only kick yourself when you meet MR Right and you're already married to Mr Wrong!

Don't chase after a dude who made it clear "he's just not that into you" thinking you can get him. (it doesn't work) Use the Las Fashionistas techniques to get a new one!"

Well, It depends. If the last few months we're filled with fighting..chances are he saw it coming. And could have been long on the road of recovery before you were. Thing is hun, they are assholes even if they still love you. If you get along it's so much harder to move on. So they are the biggest dicks they can be. (In my experince picking up a girl 3 days after the break) And of course yes he could still love you. But hun, even if he does that isn't a guaranty he'll come back/take you back. In less it's a break. And he's moving to Africa for a year. Best to call it over.(for good) I know what it's like, you hate hearing the truth from friends, family, you think "But, WE were different!" "WE were REALLY inlove!" And worst of all you begin to hate going to family events to hear "Oh you're single..." Every woman, has or will be there in their life time. And If I could i'd see to it no one had to feel that way. But that's the way it goes. SO! The best thing to do is injoy your life. After my 2 and a half year break up I was mortified. And just as you said cryed every day, I lost 20lbs. Didn't eat for 2 weeks straight, my father had to drag me out of my house and invited me over constintly.And here is what I did. I made a stop at Chapters, Picked up "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy" Read the whole thing there (sat in a nice comfy chair), I when on some dates. I had a fling with a yummy british guy Wink and a few months later found the love of my life. Let's look at it this way too, You sound rather sucessful, plus have some great girlfriends. This guy had NO job, and does not even own a house of his own. You'll do much better. We all do.:D Good liuck sweet heart. "

"You think you know everything about love, don't you ? You think you know men. I know you've been hurt before but that does not say anything at all. You say you've let go but why do you still speak of him ? Why is the hurt still fresh in you ?

I know it's hard when you've just broken up. I know it's hard to know he's cheated and replaced you with a younger version. I know it's hard to let go when he's said "It's not you, it's me". When he's the one who don't want you anymore.

Sometimes, it's just time. Time to part ways. Maybe you'll meet each other again. Maybe you'll be friends. Maybe you'll get together again. No-one can tell the future. Their own future. Maybe the break-up is bad, maybe it's good but it's called a break-up because it is broken up."

Please leave your samples, comments, suggestions, and advice below - after all, it's called a break up because it's broken!

Comments (page 1 of 1):

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porscha :

Posted 82 days ago

Hello,
My ex and I fell in love at first sight - or at least in lust! After two weeks we started going out with each other and it was wonderful. I worked seasonly and had to go back to tour guiding in Spring. He was upset about this but wee said we would stay together. After about a month we were missing each other so much that I decided to take a chance and quit my job and go back to be with my boyfriend. I had never had a boyfriend before. I was 28 then. Things were fine. I found a job and everything was perfect.
The bad thing was that my boyfriend and his friends like to smoke marijuana regularly. We were living in Holland so at first I thought it was ok - he was ust being a tourist and trying it out but then I began to realise that it was a regular thing. It definitely had an impact on our life together. He would lay in bed for hours at the weekends when I wanted to get up and do things together. I went on a business trip and he was too stoned to meet me at the station late at night so I had to walk home alone when I got back. Small things like that began to make me unhappy. I told him I was unhappy but he didn't change. Eventually I said I was leaving Holland. I thought I could convince him to leave also and I hoped that then, away from Holland and his friends there, he might change and leave behind his old habits. I moved home but we stayed together. We saw each other every few months. When he came to visit me I knew he had withdrawal symptoms - he sweated at night, he was short-tempered. I visited him and I realised he was also using other drugs. This made me so sad and angry - he was spending money on drugs instead of visiting me or investing in our future.
So we struggled on anyway for two years long-distance. Between August and December 2009 I felt things were falling apart. I started a post-grad at university so I had little available funds to visit him so it had to be him that made the effort to visit me. He didn't and wee fought on the phone. I was angry because I was sure he was spending money going out, drinking and worse etc instead of booking flights to see me. I suppose I understand he needed a life too and we had no plan to be together properly so he ws just investing in his life in Holland. Anyway around December it was terrible. I told him I felt it was falling apart and we really needed to talk and make an effort. Then I couldn't reach him one weekend. I sent him an email and said from now on it was completely up to him and that I wasn't going to make an effort any more, if he wanted me he had to show me this. He called once afterwards and it was fine. Neither of us sent the other Christmas cards or gifts. He called me on Christmas day. I said I loved him. He replied back but I feel it was sympathetic. He said he would call the next day. He never did. On New year's morning well after midnight he called. He said he loved me. I just said thank you. Then I didn't hear from him. I called him on 6th January and he told me he had slept with someone else and he needed a break. He said it was after our phonecall on New Year's after I had been so cold. I wanted to visit him immediately but he said no. He said he needed time to think. He said it was a one-night stand but it wasn't. I found out that immediately afterwards he started a relationship with this girl.
That was 4 months ago. He called me this week to say he misses me. I miss him too. I love him still. I don't know what to do. (If we get back together it won't be long-distance again. We will have to live in the same place.)

TeenIndaHood :

Posted 87 days ago

Im moving on. 6 months spending almost everyday together. My childhood and early teenage years were rough on me, moving from house to house and parent to parent, ending up living in one of the most dangerous suburbs with an uncertain future. My life was crap, and her leaving me because i was too good for her was a load of crap; she wanted to party and not have to worry about cheating. WELL SHE ISNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! we had good times, yes, but ive got my whole life ahead of me. Im only 18 and work hard to live but there is a plan for me and im NOT PUTTING MY HEAD DOWN!!!! NO MORE TEARS!!! I'M A SURVIVOR......and i will survive...

Don :

Posted 129 days ago

13 year relationship from teenagers and broken up, i could have handled his death easier. Problem is there is a child involved and we have to have contact which is aking it difficult for me to get over him, why I don't know cause he is an ... hole. I still want him even though he is an ... hole. Why?

Mary :

Posted 196 days ago

I was dating this one guy for 2 months, things went great. But afterwards, he started acting weird like not asnwering my phone calls. Ignoring for days until he called me up saying "we need to meet up, have a coffee and talk". I just knew it that we were going to break up...so once we were met up in the coffee shop, he started saying "your a great girl and all, but I dont think this relationship is going to work..because you need to find someone that is greater for you. I'm not ready for a long term relationship". I was shocked. I thought we were soulmates...and the funny thing is I've known this idiot for 15 years!!
But now, Im single and some what happy with my life.

violet :

Posted 214 days ago

well I was the one that ended the relationship because it was an online relationship and well everything at first was good I even thought I love him. But soon after he started to change he said that he broke his ancle and that he couldnt meet me, of course I got sad because I knew he wouldnt lie to me. After that he stop calling me and I was why isnt he calling I got so depressed but he would later tell me that he was asleep because of the medication. well one day he told me that he wasnt going to get on because he had to go I dont know where so he didnt log in for those two days but then he didnt log in for a week and then one day he told me that he was in mexico and that he didnt have internet over there. I got mad because I went to mypace for curisoty just to check if he had one and he did but it was devasting to see that he would log in to that website but not that other one we shared. Consequently I ended things and I recently discovered that he already got a girlfriend I got mad because that meant that he didnt love me like I thoght he did I was just so sad so we dont talk anymore I guess is better like that

ali :

Posted 248 days ago

good

luana :

Posted 272 days ago

He broke up with me after 3 or 4 weeks but it was the best weeks i ever had in my life.It was like we were soul mates and that scared the pants out of him.He was in a relationship before for about 3 years and it ended really badly.And after 2-3 months we hookt up.I left for paris for a week and in that time he send me sms and called me and was really sweet.When i came back after two days he said he cant be in a relationship right now..and after a week he hookt up with a nother girl ..but we meat up and it was aqourd cause I saw how he was looking at me and stared telling me that he really cares for me and stuff like that ..I really dont understand what happend..i know he was a player but ..:( i feel sooo down ,i don know how to get over him..

Fussy angel :

Posted 320 days ago

I was going out with a guy for 2 and half years- lived with him for most of that- in my house...it wasn't working out, he was a charming, needy leech, with a drink problem... I broke it off after a year, but we got back together after I decided to give it another try (temporary insanity- and I was lonely) but broke it off again last November, for the last time and was very relieved- i felt I was on my path again! He stayed in contact , I felt sorry for him and was nice to him, we gradually became more friendly and hung out loads as friends...but not once did he suggest talking about the relationship or its problems, so I let it lie.
Then he met someone else.
It felt like a punch in the stomach. I couldn't eat, lost 14lbs, was down in the dumps for weeks.. grieving, for him...for the relationship. Couldn't believe the effect it had on me- like a death, but worse, coz I knew I could bump into him with his new tart anywhere, anytime!! He drove me mad, but I loved being in a relationship...After much soulsearching, and some councelling, and a few flings along the way to give a boost! I'm now totally single and moving on, takes time though...be patient...

Fussy angel :

Posted 320 days ago

rebecca :

Posted 617 days ago

my bf and i been dating for a little over 2 1/2 yr. he broken up with which was hard because he was my first in EVERYTHING im 26 he's 29 and he holds this bittnerness towards me i really want to be his friend it's been 5mos now but i don't know how to approch him what do you think??

oceanbreeze :

Posted 632 days ago

i read this book after my break up. Break up because its broken and he's not that into you.
I did the long drawn out breakup.
lesson learned: Don't do the long drawn out break up. Keep your dignity, peace and don't make it worse. You'll be broken up but there's a difference between broken up and being turning into enemies.

RUTA :

Posted 648 days ago

hopefully it works, for some reason i wanted to die cuz it didnt work out between us. and i know im hot but he was soo hot and funny and older and omg yeah i talk about him too much i think all my friends are getting made but its been like a months i should get over him by now! why does it hurt so much and everthing reminds me of him. im turning into that CRAZy EX that no one wants the one that is on the line of becoming a stalker. if u know anyways ways to help
please get a hold of me ( ... myspace ... /7307125506ruta)

Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru, is the author of How to Get Over a Breakup, an instantly available online webBook, downloadable ebook, and website designed to help you understand and heal from a broken heart, and How to STOP Your Breakup, an instantly available webBook, downloadable ebook, and website designed to help you STOP or reverse your breakup and get your ex back. Both are available on this site and are free when you join our community.

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